There were some great comments on my last post, which I responded to in that post’s “comments” section.  Thanks, commenters.

My mission here is to address Nate’s feedback as best I can, and to post a recording of the song we keep talking about.  Done in my bedroom last night:

I Broke it Before There Was Anything to Break

Enjoy!  I’m curious whether a title and music make the song’s message any clearer.  (As I said in the comments a post ago, these recorded lyrics are unchanged just because I haven’t figured out how to incorporate everyone’s suggestions yet.  I may well.)  The title I’m trying out is “I Broke it Before There Was Anything to Break,” but ”Take Two Hours” and “Any Shape Will Do” are also contenders.

“We are in an oven and a fridge.”
Nate says, “I like visualizing the appliances, but do you mean one of you is in an oven and the other is in the fridge?”

Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.  You’re right that it’s clunky on the page, but perhaps—(he said naïvely)—the clunkiness disappears in its musical context.  Take a listen, and if you hear a way to improve it I’d be most grateful.  I know we usually just suggest weak spots, rather than actually alter each other’s lyrics, but maybe it’s time to change that.  Feel free to make whatever changes to this lyric you see fit.

“It’s wet and it’s alright but it could be fun.”
If its wet and alright, why wouldn’t we assume that it was fun?

You would indeed assume fun.  The fact that it’s not fun is surprising.  But also explainable—it’s not fun because the person I’d like to share the experience with is absent.  Perhaps I can make this clearer…

You’re absolutely right that ending the song with “tonight” instead of “some night” would be stronger.  But it’s important that I don’t convey a sense of command, because I am decidedly not  in control of the situation.  

(This is indeed the song I played you in my basement last weekend.)

Thank you so much for looking this over.  Let me know what you think on hearing it.

WELL!

A lot of my praises and qualms have already been touched on. Though vague, I think the opening lines are strong. They effectively hook me in (although in anticipation of meaning, which I don’t end up getting). I also love the material on concrete and shape, and “I’m no writer…”

In general I agree with The Grey Eminence: I don’t really know what the real message or story is here. As you know, I don’t think its necessary for the audiance to always know what the singer (or poet) is talking about. However, if the real meaning is going to be lost on us, it might as well conjure up some nice, interesting images (and you do have some) in our heads while we listen. I think that’s why “I Am The Walrus” is such a successful song. Overall, I think this song would be stronger if you tried to turn some of the abstract into more concrete images.

“We are in an oven and a fridge.”

I like visualizing the appliances, but do you mean one of you is in an oven and the other is in the fridge? Surely you cant be in both at the same time. This line is strange—but for me it is strange in a way that seems more clunky than imaginative.

“It’s wet and it’s alright but it could be fun.”
If its wet and alright, why wouldn’t we assume that it was fun?

“I fell on my face when
I landed looking ahead.”

I presume you mean “landed” your feet on the ground as you were running, before you fell. That took me a while to get; in this context it is easy to assume “landed” refers to your fall, which makes the language and storytelling seem jumbled.

“Please, take two hours some night.”

How about “tonight”? “Some night” gives the speaker a sense of despair and passivity. That might be exactly what you intended, which is completely fine, but “tonight” would give it a sense of command and immediacy that could give the song a stronger finish. Just a thought.
Nice work though, Chris. Is this the new song you were playing me in your basement?
Now that you’ve taken this leap of courage, perhaps ill post something in the near future for The Grey Eminence to get his/her claws on.

I’m working on a song, and have reached the point where I’d usually email Nate to ask for his thoughts. But today we’re trying something different. I’ll post the lyric right here, and Nate will respond in a subsequent post. Your suggestions are also welcome, and though you can’t create posts yourself you can make use of the “comments” link below.

Please be honest, and also please don’t be offended if I don’t take your advice.

Hmmm. This makes me nervous. But here we go:

Probably it’s nothing
but it feels like something.
Something I forgot before the bridge.

Thinking of the word “we”
what does it refer to?
We are in an oven and a fridge.

Our average temperature aside,
I will not call what this is warm.
Though I don’t just want to talk to you,
I will take talk if you’ll take a little form.

Yep.   Shape unto the shapeless,
any shape will do.
I’m playing in the concrete with no one—

maybe make a picture,
maybe scratch “hello”,
It’s wet and it’s alright but it could be fun.

See, I started running before
I had my feet on the floor.
It is no surprise, then,
I fell on my face when
I landed looking ahead.
I should have looked downward instead.
That moment has moved now.
Don’t worry—I’m moving too.

I’m no writer; I just read
slowly, from the left to the right.
You know where I am and where I’ll be.
Please, take two hours some night.

Were I the musical director of a fraternity, I would not have booked IY to play the party we played last night. Happily I’m not the musical director of a fraternity, and the brothers at the Cornell chapter of Pi Kappa Phi have more courage than I do.

That our (mostly) coverless, experimental folk/dance/rock worked so well at a party was surprising.  That the brothers at Pi Kap expected it to work so well astounds me.  Either we sound more like a 90s cover band than I thought, or the students at Cornell just kick ass.  I’m leaning toward the latter.

You can see further evidence of kicking ass in their drinking.  I was, given previous party experience, expecting to guard our equipment hawkishly from alcohol and the people drinking it.

Wrong.  People were drinking, oh yes, but it seemed like everyone had just enough to reach that IfeelgreatbutI’mstillincontrolofmyself place.  You know how every party has that one guy who’s just had way too much?  We’ve played parties where every last person in the room was like that guy.  But last night no one was that guy.  No one.  Everyone was having a great time, harmlessly.  Understand—at parties this large the odds of everyone holding their liquor and having a great time are infinitesimal.  Or are we (college students) changing?

Now I hear Han Solo, who, incidentally, I dressed up as for Halloween: “Never tell me the odds!”

Our thanks to Pi Kappa Phi for providing everyone—us included—with good times they can feel good about the next morning.

I had planned to relate the following story in everyday prose, but then I noticed Nate’s last post.

Nate, I like it. In your honor, a quasi-poem:

Quickly,
clean the room some.
Re-string. Nervous?

It’s been a long time.

Stumbling ensues.
Stumbling mostly forward.

Fuck!
Greg Petronzi is a great guitar player.

Alone,
three hours later,
I start a song,
playing in new patterns.

This city is full of babies!
A stampede of crawlers—
Curious toddlers through cradled streets

Look!
Their milk-soft onesies
Over sidewalks spill
Peach! Lime! Plum!
A technicolor swarm

Into the sewers!
Into the pipes!
Hear them coo and cry
Sending piercing vibrations through
The menopausal metropolis

Bright babies under dull skyscrapers

Newborn nurslings
Rooting for that
Covered nipple

wherever I’m standing is ground
whatever I’m breathing is air
whatever I’m hearing is sound
whatever I look at is there

Hey Guys,

My friend Nils just made a movie which I did sound for.  The movie won 1st place at the Ithaca College Halloween film festival bash.  Make sure to turn the lights out.

Thanks to everyone who came to our Nines show.  I had a great time playing, and hope you all enjoyed it.  What do you all think of the new songs?  

I’m currently listening to the new John Brown’s Body record.  It sounds frickin great.  Awesome production with great playing and songwriting by Ithaca’s own.  Sky Juice (track 7) and So Aware (track 10) really do it for me.  Do yourself a favor and pick up the whole thing!  Tommy Benedetti is god.

The whole band is going to come to Ithaca to play a show.

I couldn’t be happier.

Also I’ve recently joined a motown era cover band.  We’re quite raucous.